Shaking it out
I've been doing a lot of deep body and soul work lately. I had this post in mind, the post I wanted to write about this deep, aching work I've been doing before today happened. Before lines were drawn and cuts went deep and shit hit the fan.
I've never felt emotions in such a physical way as I did today. Work was extra hectic, a conversation pulled the Band-Aid off of wounds that never really healed in the first place and I felt in my body every one of the emotions I felt in my soul. I ached, I kept staring at the clock willing the hands to move faster, I didn't use my gentlest voice when the little people who just want my attention acted out and I spent longer than I should have staring into space, lost somewhere in my head or in my body.
After work I wandered the aisles of the grocery store, knowing if I went home I would be too full of nervous energy to relax and would just make myself frantic with the feeling of being trapped. I looked at things I didn't need and made small talk with strangers, and finally left the store with my only purchase being a mug with oranges and butterflies on it. It was on the sale cart and something about the sight of it made me leave my head for just a second. It's the mug I'm drinking out of right now. I came home and had a long, hot bath and anointed my body with essential oils and shook it all out on my yoga mat. Along with the shaking there may have been some screaming, some deep guttural moans. I shook out all of my limbs and my hips like a wild woman, knocking things off the shelf beside me with my flailing. If I'd been outside of myself I would have laughed at how I looked. But something in that moment felt so primal, so raw.
A friend reminded me this week of something I already knew. She said in the wild, say a rabbit was being chased by a wolf and it got away. When it was safe, the rabbit has the sense to shake out all its limbs and release the energy that is built up inside it. Humans don't have that response. So all this energy in the body just gets stored up with no where to go.
Shaking was the only way to get out of my head, to release the energy that had built up in my body.
This trauma work I've been doing has released something in me. I fell face first into something I've been waiting for for a really long time. I got angry. The deep kind of anger that makes my blood boil and runs over, the kind of anger over the injustices done against me and my body, for and at the people who don't get it, who choose sides and it still actively feels like they are choosing sides against me, for relationships I've had to sever for the sake of my own heart.
It's the kind of anger where for a few days in a row I have gone to bed and just sobbed, because I don't know what else to do with my body or my heart.
My body is exhausted now from all the shaking, all the moving of emotion. I did what I thought was best to protect my heart today but at the end of the day the doubts come in and I wonder if I did the right thing. I spent so long biting my tongue, afraid to say anything that would rock the boat and I decided I'm tired of holding my breath now. I'm tired of saying I'm ok with how things are just to keep the peace. I'm tired of not being angry because it might offend people.
At the end of the day I want to be nourished by love. I want to breathe in fresh oxygen and love others well and I want to love myself well too. Right now loving myself means drawing boundaries. It means being angry. I've spent too long pretending and I'm done.
Someone asked me today what deconstruction means for me and my first thought was that it means I'm done tolerating bullshit. Spiritual bullshit, others' bullshit, my own. I'm done breathing in things that don't feel like love. Because you do it for long enough and then one day you wake up and realize you were choking all this time.
I've never felt emotions in such a physical way as I did today. Work was extra hectic, a conversation pulled the Band-Aid off of wounds that never really healed in the first place and I felt in my body every one of the emotions I felt in my soul. I ached, I kept staring at the clock willing the hands to move faster, I didn't use my gentlest voice when the little people who just want my attention acted out and I spent longer than I should have staring into space, lost somewhere in my head or in my body.
After work I wandered the aisles of the grocery store, knowing if I went home I would be too full of nervous energy to relax and would just make myself frantic with the feeling of being trapped. I looked at things I didn't need and made small talk with strangers, and finally left the store with my only purchase being a mug with oranges and butterflies on it. It was on the sale cart and something about the sight of it made me leave my head for just a second. It's the mug I'm drinking out of right now. I came home and had a long, hot bath and anointed my body with essential oils and shook it all out on my yoga mat. Along with the shaking there may have been some screaming, some deep guttural moans. I shook out all of my limbs and my hips like a wild woman, knocking things off the shelf beside me with my flailing. If I'd been outside of myself I would have laughed at how I looked. But something in that moment felt so primal, so raw.
A friend reminded me this week of something I already knew. She said in the wild, say a rabbit was being chased by a wolf and it got away. When it was safe, the rabbit has the sense to shake out all its limbs and release the energy that is built up inside it. Humans don't have that response. So all this energy in the body just gets stored up with no where to go.
Shaking was the only way to get out of my head, to release the energy that had built up in my body.
This trauma work I've been doing has released something in me. I fell face first into something I've been waiting for for a really long time. I got angry. The deep kind of anger that makes my blood boil and runs over, the kind of anger over the injustices done against me and my body, for and at the people who don't get it, who choose sides and it still actively feels like they are choosing sides against me, for relationships I've had to sever for the sake of my own heart.
It's the kind of anger where for a few days in a row I have gone to bed and just sobbed, because I don't know what else to do with my body or my heart.
My body is exhausted now from all the shaking, all the moving of emotion. I did what I thought was best to protect my heart today but at the end of the day the doubts come in and I wonder if I did the right thing. I spent so long biting my tongue, afraid to say anything that would rock the boat and I decided I'm tired of holding my breath now. I'm tired of saying I'm ok with how things are just to keep the peace. I'm tired of not being angry because it might offend people.
At the end of the day I want to be nourished by love. I want to breathe in fresh oxygen and love others well and I want to love myself well too. Right now loving myself means drawing boundaries. It means being angry. I've spent too long pretending and I'm done.
Someone asked me today what deconstruction means for me and my first thought was that it means I'm done tolerating bullshit. Spiritual bullshit, others' bullshit, my own. I'm done breathing in things that don't feel like love. Because you do it for long enough and then one day you wake up and realize you were choking all this time.
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