Magic
I've hesitated even writing this now because I want to savour the magic, to process it fully, to try and begin understanding the events of this past weekend.
But my heart is also bursting with excitement and I want to tell anyone and everyone who will listen.
Maybe this will be the first post of many, the first stage of the unpacking, or maybe this will be the only post I write on this particular event.
But its a story and its burning in my chest and I need to write it.
This past weekend was buti training. I've talked about buti before but for those of you who don't know anything about it you can get a quick intro here.
I've written and rewritten this post trying to find the right words but I don't know if there are any. I don't know where to start, where to begin with this story.
I wrote before about my buti beginnings, how my first class took my breath away (literally and figuratively) and I knew there was something in this practice for me.
Since practicing buti I've met a lot of resistance, a lot of not wanting to get on my mat, a lot of tears. To say my relationship with buti is a struggle is an understatement which is why when training was announced in my city even I was surprised that I signed up.
There was a spark inside of me that refused to give up, that knew there was something for me in this weekend even if I didn't know what it was at the time. I heard the words of my own teacher in my head, telling me that buti changed everything for her and the sisterhood is amazing and it has opened so much. And so without knowing why, or how, I signed up for buti training.
A few days before the training was scheduled to begin I was involved in a car accident. I didn't know if I would be able to make the training, if my body would even allow me to move. There is no explanation other than pure stubbornness why I showed up this weekend. For the days leading up I cried tears of frustration, fear and anger. I felt disconnected from my body.
The day before training began I wanted to say I wasn't coming. I had just been in a car accident, no one really would have been surprised if I hadn't shown up. But I would have. I knew I needed to be there so nerves, anxiety, the non-relenting desire to throw up and all I showed up Saturday morning.
I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I didn't know why I cared so much.
The entire first day I felt like I was going to throw up from anxiety and we moved so much that my entire body was sore and I could feel the injuries from the car accident. I went home that day in tears, so frustrated with myself and my body, so angry at the other car that had hit me, scared I wouldn't be able to do it but more scared that I would.
Sunday is demo day at buti training and I can now agree with everyone who says this day is magic because it was pure magic for me. It was probably one of the best days in my life.
We picked numbers for our demo slots and I got number 8. The energy of the room lessened my nerves and watching the other girls go gave me confidence.
When it was time for my demo I was shaking so bad I couldn't even unroll my mat. I thought I was going to fall right over and my entire demo slot would be spent with me lying on the floor.
What happened next was incredible and I don't think you could understand unless you were there.
The music started, and it was like an animal was unleashed inside me. The voice I spent years swallowing, it roared. I don't remember a single thing I did in that demo but I remember every other woman in that room screaming at me, cheering me on, supporting me, moving with me, holding space for me. There has only been one other time I've felt like this in my entire life.
I remember all this energy pouring out of my body and feeling like I was on fire. And my body was moving and it was strong and I was strong, and everything I had once cursed and dismissed as "too fat" was jiggling and shaking but it didn't feel disgusting like it had so many times before. it felt freeing and sexy and powerful. I felt soft and feminine, fierce and strong, and in that moment it was like coming home to myself. I felt alive, empowered, loved. There are no words, its something you just have to experience.
So I finished my demo and 12 minutes felt like 2. And a few other girls did their demos and then it was time for critiques. This was the moment I would find out if I would be certified as a buti yoga instructor, or if now wasn't the time for me. And walking into that room I didn't care. I didn't care what happened because I had just felt the most on fire and alive i'd ever felt in my entire life.
The master trainer gave me feedback on a few things I knew I needed to work on. I listened, waiting for the words I was so used to hearing, "You did great but now isn't the right time."
They never came. She said "You need to work on these things, but I'm still certifying you today. I can't wait to take one of your classes"
And it felt like the floor dropped out from under me.
This body, the one I had abused and raged at, the one I didn't know would survive the weekend, it carried me all the way here. It brought me into this room full of love and brave women. And it worked for me, powerful and strong, as I led 30 women in the most beautiful movement practice I've ever done, taking me to this room, this moment, where all the words I ever needed to hear were spoken over me.
I am enough. I can do hard things. I am strong and powerful. This is a good body.
I didn't keep up with all the rest of the demos that day, and that was ok. It was more than enough to sit in the healing space the other women provided, to cheer like mad as all of these other women who I admire and love so much stepped onto the mat and led from their heart.
The two women who led the certification - the woman who introduced me to this practice, who pushed me and believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself, and my master trainer who certified me and blessed me and gave me the gift of seeing strength and being able to share that with other women - are two of the most impactful, powerful, inspiring forces of love I've ever met and I don't have enough words to thank them for everything they gave me this weekend.
The other women in the room - who I now get to call my buti sisters - were so loving and powerful and strong and sexy and if I didn't believe in female friendships before this I do now. I know they have my back in anything and are holding space for my creativity, passion and authenticity just as I am doing the same for them.
Maybe someday I will have better words for this. or maybe it will just stay magic. but this weekend changed everything for me.
I am now a certified buti yoga instructor. I am a woman who loves herself, and her body, and believes she is strong and powerful and can do hard things.
And if you'll let me, I'd love to teach you this practice and hold space for you to shine your light.
But my heart is also bursting with excitement and I want to tell anyone and everyone who will listen.
Maybe this will be the first post of many, the first stage of the unpacking, or maybe this will be the only post I write on this particular event.
But its a story and its burning in my chest and I need to write it.
This past weekend was buti training. I've talked about buti before but for those of you who don't know anything about it you can get a quick intro here.
I've written and rewritten this post trying to find the right words but I don't know if there are any. I don't know where to start, where to begin with this story.
I wrote before about my buti beginnings, how my first class took my breath away (literally and figuratively) and I knew there was something in this practice for me.
Since practicing buti I've met a lot of resistance, a lot of not wanting to get on my mat, a lot of tears. To say my relationship with buti is a struggle is an understatement which is why when training was announced in my city even I was surprised that I signed up.
There was a spark inside of me that refused to give up, that knew there was something for me in this weekend even if I didn't know what it was at the time. I heard the words of my own teacher in my head, telling me that buti changed everything for her and the sisterhood is amazing and it has opened so much. And so without knowing why, or how, I signed up for buti training.
A few days before the training was scheduled to begin I was involved in a car accident. I didn't know if I would be able to make the training, if my body would even allow me to move. There is no explanation other than pure stubbornness why I showed up this weekend. For the days leading up I cried tears of frustration, fear and anger. I felt disconnected from my body.
The day before training began I wanted to say I wasn't coming. I had just been in a car accident, no one really would have been surprised if I hadn't shown up. But I would have. I knew I needed to be there so nerves, anxiety, the non-relenting desire to throw up and all I showed up Saturday morning.
I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I didn't know why I cared so much.
The entire first day I felt like I was going to throw up from anxiety and we moved so much that my entire body was sore and I could feel the injuries from the car accident. I went home that day in tears, so frustrated with myself and my body, so angry at the other car that had hit me, scared I wouldn't be able to do it but more scared that I would.
Sunday is demo day at buti training and I can now agree with everyone who says this day is magic because it was pure magic for me. It was probably one of the best days in my life.
We picked numbers for our demo slots and I got number 8. The energy of the room lessened my nerves and watching the other girls go gave me confidence.
When it was time for my demo I was shaking so bad I couldn't even unroll my mat. I thought I was going to fall right over and my entire demo slot would be spent with me lying on the floor.
What happened next was incredible and I don't think you could understand unless you were there.
The music started, and it was like an animal was unleashed inside me. The voice I spent years swallowing, it roared. I don't remember a single thing I did in that demo but I remember every other woman in that room screaming at me, cheering me on, supporting me, moving with me, holding space for me. There has only been one other time I've felt like this in my entire life.
I remember all this energy pouring out of my body and feeling like I was on fire. And my body was moving and it was strong and I was strong, and everything I had once cursed and dismissed as "too fat" was jiggling and shaking but it didn't feel disgusting like it had so many times before. it felt freeing and sexy and powerful. I felt soft and feminine, fierce and strong, and in that moment it was like coming home to myself. I felt alive, empowered, loved. There are no words, its something you just have to experience.
So I finished my demo and 12 minutes felt like 2. And a few other girls did their demos and then it was time for critiques. This was the moment I would find out if I would be certified as a buti yoga instructor, or if now wasn't the time for me. And walking into that room I didn't care. I didn't care what happened because I had just felt the most on fire and alive i'd ever felt in my entire life.
The master trainer gave me feedback on a few things I knew I needed to work on. I listened, waiting for the words I was so used to hearing, "You did great but now isn't the right time."
They never came. She said "You need to work on these things, but I'm still certifying you today. I can't wait to take one of your classes"
And it felt like the floor dropped out from under me.
This body, the one I had abused and raged at, the one I didn't know would survive the weekend, it carried me all the way here. It brought me into this room full of love and brave women. And it worked for me, powerful and strong, as I led 30 women in the most beautiful movement practice I've ever done, taking me to this room, this moment, where all the words I ever needed to hear were spoken over me.
I am enough. I can do hard things. I am strong and powerful. This is a good body.
I didn't keep up with all the rest of the demos that day, and that was ok. It was more than enough to sit in the healing space the other women provided, to cheer like mad as all of these other women who I admire and love so much stepped onto the mat and led from their heart.
The two women who led the certification - the woman who introduced me to this practice, who pushed me and believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself, and my master trainer who certified me and blessed me and gave me the gift of seeing strength and being able to share that with other women - are two of the most impactful, powerful, inspiring forces of love I've ever met and I don't have enough words to thank them for everything they gave me this weekend.
The other women in the room - who I now get to call my buti sisters - were so loving and powerful and strong and sexy and if I didn't believe in female friendships before this I do now. I know they have my back in anything and are holding space for my creativity, passion and authenticity just as I am doing the same for them.
Maybe someday I will have better words for this. or maybe it will just stay magic. but this weekend changed everything for me.
I am now a certified buti yoga instructor. I am a woman who loves herself, and her body, and believes she is strong and powerful and can do hard things.
And if you'll let me, I'd love to teach you this practice and hold space for you to shine your light.
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