I had an abortion
I've been in the business of saying controversial things lately. Blame it on the grief, or lack of self control, or the fact that i never had much of a filter to begin with and the isolation of losing a child has made me realize we need to talk about the important things while we can so that one day another person doesn't feel the same way we felt.
In the privacy of my own journal, while standing barefoot in the kitchen, whispering to the trees while I take our dog for a walk, I've said things about God, marriage, children and the world that i wouldn't have normally said otherwise. I won't tell you what those things are, because i know there are those people out there that would fear for my sanity and pray i have a come-to-jesus moment if i confessed some of the things i've said, but sometimes it feels honest and good to say a good "fuck you" to the universe.
Even as i write this i'm not entirely sure i will post it. mostly i'm writing it to get my thoughts on paper. and if i do post it, it will not be to start a debate, to hear how someone else in a similar position made an entirely different decision and I'm somehow doing it wrong, that I'm a horrible person or that I don't deserve to grieve the loss of my child. I will be sharing my story for the one girl out there just like me, who was against abortion until the minute she needed one to save her life, and who needs to hear the voice of other people who made the same decision she did to let her know that she isn't alone.
I was and always have been pro-life. While I don't know if i believe life begins at conception i definitely believe life begins at implantation, and as soon as the cells start to divide and multiply and change and grow there is a person there, or at the very least a life that will grow and become an independent person. I still believe life is sacred.
I believe to end abortion we need to empower women and make birth control more accessible and make equal pay for equal work, to not shame women for the choices they make around becoming a mother or how they decide to raise their children. I believe to end abortion we need to start supporting women.
And I think supporting women begins with listening to their stories.
I always pictured the woman seeking abortion as being young, having sex without being ready for the consequences and not wanting her parents to find out or for it to affect her future plans. Or maybe it was the middle aged women successful in her career who found herself untimely pregnant and didn't want the hassle of raising a child. Whatever the situation i always pictured women who had abortion as taking the easy way out of an inconvenient pregnancy.
I am ashamed now to say I thought that way. I see that the real situation is so much different.
Talking to the grief counselor after leaving the hospital, she tried to assure me that what happened was not an abortion, despite what the words on the form i had signed said. We didn't have a choice. it wasn't a decision we made. and i tried to believe her. and then i realized that the reason i didn't want it to have been an abortion was because i didn't feel like i was like them. I felt like abortion was a bad word. this wasn't an inconvenient pregnancy. we hadn't just forgotten to use birth control and, oops, here's a baby. I wanted this baby.From the moment i knew i was pregnant i loved this child, and I felt him changing me in a thousand different ways. And I would have done anything for a chance to meet him.
I was ashamed, and afraid, and I thought if I told people I had an abortion they would look at me differently, or make judgments about how much right i had to grieve the death of my child.
I had an abortion to save my life. To continue on with the pregnancy would have killed me. I was very sick, and in a lot of danger, and could not survive without the support of machines, and I was still in the first trimester. it would have only gotten worse, with each day the baby grew. And if he had been born, he would have been sick, and in pain. yes, there are miracles, and i thought that maybe this happened to us because we didn't have enough faith. We did everything right. And still I got pregnant. And it was a life or death situation, for me and the baby. And we made the choice that wasn't really a choice at all.
Ending a wanted pregnancy feels like the worst thing in the world. it feels unnatural and horrible to sign the papers and let them take him from you, knowing you can't protect him.
I'm not posting this as the start to a debate. I don't want to know your thoughts on when life begins. I know what I did. I know my son died, and I miss him every day and I wish things could have been different.
I'm posting this because I want to change the conversation. Its not just a woman who forgot to take birth control. The faces and the stories behind abortion are real, and they deserve to be heard. I've heard so many abortion stories, especially stories of women who had to end their pregnancies for medical reasons, and i can say none of them made their decision lightly. They all made the best decisions they could have. And they all deserve love and support. Maybe if we had less laws around women's bodies and birth control, less people standing outside of abortion clinics and more people holding the hands of women in their everyday lives, empowering women, we could change the story around abortion.
I hate abortion. But i am so glad safe, accessible medical care was offered to me in my time of need. I had people who understood I was making the unthinkable choice, and lovingly care for me and for Paris after he was delivered.
I miss my child every single day. And I hope he knows how much I love him. I will spend the rest of my life loving him and wishing he was here. I will spend the rest of my life being Paris' mom. What an honor.
I believe no issue is black or white. I believe we need to amplify the voices of the people who's lived experiences we are discussing when we talk about issues like abortion, racism, sexism and homosexuality.
I've always been one to rock the boat. A truth teller. And i'm not going to stop. I'm not ashamed of the choices I made, and if I had to make them again I would do the exact same thing.
I feel like I need to put a note somewhere in this post, because people have forgotten how to be kind to one another, especially on the internet. I don't care if you agree with me or not. I'm not here to change your mind. But any negative comments, scripture quoting, debate about my story, trying to convince me I'm wrong... will not be tolerated and will be deleted.
In the privacy of my own journal, while standing barefoot in the kitchen, whispering to the trees while I take our dog for a walk, I've said things about God, marriage, children and the world that i wouldn't have normally said otherwise. I won't tell you what those things are, because i know there are those people out there that would fear for my sanity and pray i have a come-to-jesus moment if i confessed some of the things i've said, but sometimes it feels honest and good to say a good "fuck you" to the universe.
Even as i write this i'm not entirely sure i will post it. mostly i'm writing it to get my thoughts on paper. and if i do post it, it will not be to start a debate, to hear how someone else in a similar position made an entirely different decision and I'm somehow doing it wrong, that I'm a horrible person or that I don't deserve to grieve the loss of my child. I will be sharing my story for the one girl out there just like me, who was against abortion until the minute she needed one to save her life, and who needs to hear the voice of other people who made the same decision she did to let her know that she isn't alone.
I was and always have been pro-life. While I don't know if i believe life begins at conception i definitely believe life begins at implantation, and as soon as the cells start to divide and multiply and change and grow there is a person there, or at the very least a life that will grow and become an independent person. I still believe life is sacred.
I believe to end abortion we need to empower women and make birth control more accessible and make equal pay for equal work, to not shame women for the choices they make around becoming a mother or how they decide to raise their children. I believe to end abortion we need to start supporting women.
And I think supporting women begins with listening to their stories.
I always pictured the woman seeking abortion as being young, having sex without being ready for the consequences and not wanting her parents to find out or for it to affect her future plans. Or maybe it was the middle aged women successful in her career who found herself untimely pregnant and didn't want the hassle of raising a child. Whatever the situation i always pictured women who had abortion as taking the easy way out of an inconvenient pregnancy.
I am ashamed now to say I thought that way. I see that the real situation is so much different.
Talking to the grief counselor after leaving the hospital, she tried to assure me that what happened was not an abortion, despite what the words on the form i had signed said. We didn't have a choice. it wasn't a decision we made. and i tried to believe her. and then i realized that the reason i didn't want it to have been an abortion was because i didn't feel like i was like them. I felt like abortion was a bad word. this wasn't an inconvenient pregnancy. we hadn't just forgotten to use birth control and, oops, here's a baby. I wanted this baby.From the moment i knew i was pregnant i loved this child, and I felt him changing me in a thousand different ways. And I would have done anything for a chance to meet him.
I was ashamed, and afraid, and I thought if I told people I had an abortion they would look at me differently, or make judgments about how much right i had to grieve the death of my child.
I had an abortion to save my life. To continue on with the pregnancy would have killed me. I was very sick, and in a lot of danger, and could not survive without the support of machines, and I was still in the first trimester. it would have only gotten worse, with each day the baby grew. And if he had been born, he would have been sick, and in pain. yes, there are miracles, and i thought that maybe this happened to us because we didn't have enough faith. We did everything right. And still I got pregnant. And it was a life or death situation, for me and the baby. And we made the choice that wasn't really a choice at all.
Ending a wanted pregnancy feels like the worst thing in the world. it feels unnatural and horrible to sign the papers and let them take him from you, knowing you can't protect him.
I'm not posting this as the start to a debate. I don't want to know your thoughts on when life begins. I know what I did. I know my son died, and I miss him every day and I wish things could have been different.
I'm posting this because I want to change the conversation. Its not just a woman who forgot to take birth control. The faces and the stories behind abortion are real, and they deserve to be heard. I've heard so many abortion stories, especially stories of women who had to end their pregnancies for medical reasons, and i can say none of them made their decision lightly. They all made the best decisions they could have. And they all deserve love and support. Maybe if we had less laws around women's bodies and birth control, less people standing outside of abortion clinics and more people holding the hands of women in their everyday lives, empowering women, we could change the story around abortion.
I hate abortion. But i am so glad safe, accessible medical care was offered to me in my time of need. I had people who understood I was making the unthinkable choice, and lovingly care for me and for Paris after he was delivered.
I miss my child every single day. And I hope he knows how much I love him. I will spend the rest of my life loving him and wishing he was here. I will spend the rest of my life being Paris' mom. What an honor.
I believe no issue is black or white. I believe we need to amplify the voices of the people who's lived experiences we are discussing when we talk about issues like abortion, racism, sexism and homosexuality.
I've always been one to rock the boat. A truth teller. And i'm not going to stop. I'm not ashamed of the choices I made, and if I had to make them again I would do the exact same thing.
I feel like I need to put a note somewhere in this post, because people have forgotten how to be kind to one another, especially on the internet. I don't care if you agree with me or not. I'm not here to change your mind. But any negative comments, scripture quoting, debate about my story, trying to convince me I'm wrong... will not be tolerated and will be deleted.
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