For all who are on their way back to life
I've been teaching buti classes locally since the beginning of summer. When i took this position at this studio I knew it would be temporary. I didn't know all the details of just how temporary it would be, or all the opportunities that it would open up. From fairly early on I began to refer to this time period, this job, this class, as liminal space. It was the in between, the almost but not quite. I didn't know where i was headed to yet but i was leaving behind the old way of being and whatever i was moving towards i knew this wasn't it. this was just a stop on the way to where i was going.
I never thought i would be so grateful for this little stop.
The first few weeks were hard. Some classes no one showed up. Some classes one person showed up. I was knee deep in grief and a lot of days it felt next to impossible to get out of bed. I was still recovering from surgery, my body still recovering from the traumatic medical crisis i had just endured, from being pregnant and then not being pregnant in such a short time span and the way all of this had ripped my body apart. And a lot of the time i didn't believe i could do it. I didn't know what i had to offer these people because i was so broken.
I kept showing up. I kept waiting for things to change. I met with my manager and we talked strategy and ways i could get people to my class but also about what lights me up and what i have to offer as a teacher. And she said something along the lines of me not believing in me. I didn't believe in what i had to offer so why would anybody else?
What did I have to offer them, she asked me? What was my why?
A few weeks ago, while recording my class for a new teaching venture I'm looking into, I got it. The room felt heavy and the energy was stuck and as hard as I tried i couldn't seem to get out of my head. And the perfectionist in me was freaking out because this was it. this was the class that could make or break my teaching career (not really, but i never said i didn't have a flare for the overdramatic) and nothing was going the way i envisioned it going in my head.
I taught that class and the entire time it was an uphill battle. And as my class ended in savasana (a song too soon, not that any of them knew that. but it serves as an example of how done i really was) something broke in me. I didn't know what yet but i felt the release. From the tears on faces of some of the ladies in the room i knew that they felt it too. this class was one of the heaviest but also one of the most powerful for me.
I went home, still carrying the weight. It stuck to me like a dark cloud. I reached out to some of my buti mentors and asked for insight. I contemplated whether this business move was the right one for me, or if i was even supposed to be teaching. I thought about finishing out my teaching contract for the summer and then moving on to a career that felt less like peeling off skin and then walking around in a room full of salt and lemons.
I went to bed a mess. I woke up the next morning stiff and sore. I needed to make a yoga video for a social media workshop i was participating in that day so I stumbled down to the basement and turned on some music. I began to flow, moving my body in ways that felt right.
I felt the release again, felt the residue of what had surfaced yesterday.
It didn't feel heavy anymore. It felt like power.
All the emotions expressed by those who had attended my class, the release that had happened, I had facilitated that. I had created a safe space for people to come and intuitively move their bodies and shake out the old to make space for the new. I wasn't just teaching a class - i was teaching movement as medicine. I was holding vigil for all who were on their way back to life.
I was creating a space for myself where I could come back to life. Not the old life, but a new thing entirely. And in that moment, in that class, I swear it felt like i was being reborn.
The next class I taught I set the intention of following my intuition. I had spent weeks making notes and class plans and trying to lead from the book of what i thought i should be doing and none of it was working. I had very high hopes and its safe to say that not all of those expectations were met. But it was a lesson for me in faith, and i believe it unfolded just as it was meant to. Some of my teachers came to that class, and gave me feedback and took part in this beautiful practice i can't stop talking about. And it was messy and wild and I forgot things but it was the most authentic and free i have ever felt teaching a class. I felt glorious, powerful, like i was leading from my heart. I knew what i was here to share now. I was tapped in to my power and I was able to share that with others. I took a picture of myself in the mirror after class and I was glowing.
I think this season of my life taught me how to be a teacher. It is teaching me to rise, to find my power and let it shine. It gave me my why. It gave me a tribe when I'd lost mine, and people who didn't have to but chose to step in and love me. And this season, this place, it gave me a place to come back to life, to be reborn and enter into the new way.
I don't know where the next season of my life is going to take me. I'm exploring a few new possibilities, a few new creative ventures and teaching opportunities. I don't know how long this season of healing and liminal space is going to last.
All I know is that i am grateful. I am beyond grateful that i was given this opportunity to stumble and mess up and find my way. I am overwhelmed with gratitude when I think of buti and all this practice has given me and all the ways it has healed me and how it saved my life.
My healing journey is far from over. It has taken a million twists and turns I never would have expected. But i heard a story once about how when you're climbing a mountain and stop to look at the view the pain and hard work it took to get there pales in comparison to how beautiful the view is in front of you and that's how i feel. I am so grateful I get this view.
I never thought i would be so grateful for this little stop.
The first few weeks were hard. Some classes no one showed up. Some classes one person showed up. I was knee deep in grief and a lot of days it felt next to impossible to get out of bed. I was still recovering from surgery, my body still recovering from the traumatic medical crisis i had just endured, from being pregnant and then not being pregnant in such a short time span and the way all of this had ripped my body apart. And a lot of the time i didn't believe i could do it. I didn't know what i had to offer these people because i was so broken.
I kept showing up. I kept waiting for things to change. I met with my manager and we talked strategy and ways i could get people to my class but also about what lights me up and what i have to offer as a teacher. And she said something along the lines of me not believing in me. I didn't believe in what i had to offer so why would anybody else?
What did I have to offer them, she asked me? What was my why?
A few weeks ago, while recording my class for a new teaching venture I'm looking into, I got it. The room felt heavy and the energy was stuck and as hard as I tried i couldn't seem to get out of my head. And the perfectionist in me was freaking out because this was it. this was the class that could make or break my teaching career (not really, but i never said i didn't have a flare for the overdramatic) and nothing was going the way i envisioned it going in my head.
I taught that class and the entire time it was an uphill battle. And as my class ended in savasana (a song too soon, not that any of them knew that. but it serves as an example of how done i really was) something broke in me. I didn't know what yet but i felt the release. From the tears on faces of some of the ladies in the room i knew that they felt it too. this class was one of the heaviest but also one of the most powerful for me.
I went home, still carrying the weight. It stuck to me like a dark cloud. I reached out to some of my buti mentors and asked for insight. I contemplated whether this business move was the right one for me, or if i was even supposed to be teaching. I thought about finishing out my teaching contract for the summer and then moving on to a career that felt less like peeling off skin and then walking around in a room full of salt and lemons.
I went to bed a mess. I woke up the next morning stiff and sore. I needed to make a yoga video for a social media workshop i was participating in that day so I stumbled down to the basement and turned on some music. I began to flow, moving my body in ways that felt right.
I felt the release again, felt the residue of what had surfaced yesterday.
It didn't feel heavy anymore. It felt like power.
All the emotions expressed by those who had attended my class, the release that had happened, I had facilitated that. I had created a safe space for people to come and intuitively move their bodies and shake out the old to make space for the new. I wasn't just teaching a class - i was teaching movement as medicine. I was holding vigil for all who were on their way back to life.
I was creating a space for myself where I could come back to life. Not the old life, but a new thing entirely. And in that moment, in that class, I swear it felt like i was being reborn.
The next class I taught I set the intention of following my intuition. I had spent weeks making notes and class plans and trying to lead from the book of what i thought i should be doing and none of it was working. I had very high hopes and its safe to say that not all of those expectations were met. But it was a lesson for me in faith, and i believe it unfolded just as it was meant to. Some of my teachers came to that class, and gave me feedback and took part in this beautiful practice i can't stop talking about. And it was messy and wild and I forgot things but it was the most authentic and free i have ever felt teaching a class. I felt glorious, powerful, like i was leading from my heart. I knew what i was here to share now. I was tapped in to my power and I was able to share that with others. I took a picture of myself in the mirror after class and I was glowing.
I think this season of my life taught me how to be a teacher. It is teaching me to rise, to find my power and let it shine. It gave me my why. It gave me a tribe when I'd lost mine, and people who didn't have to but chose to step in and love me. And this season, this place, it gave me a place to come back to life, to be reborn and enter into the new way.
I don't know where the next season of my life is going to take me. I'm exploring a few new possibilities, a few new creative ventures and teaching opportunities. I don't know how long this season of healing and liminal space is going to last.
All I know is that i am grateful. I am beyond grateful that i was given this opportunity to stumble and mess up and find my way. I am overwhelmed with gratitude when I think of buti and all this practice has given me and all the ways it has healed me and how it saved my life.
My healing journey is far from over. It has taken a million twists and turns I never would have expected. But i heard a story once about how when you're climbing a mountain and stop to look at the view the pain and hard work it took to get there pales in comparison to how beautiful the view is in front of you and that's how i feel. I am so grateful I get this view.
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