Releasing Egypt
I've been thinking of this line lately that I heard in a podcast I was listening to on Sabbath. It was talking about how the Israelites left Egypt and then God created this rule that they needed to honor the Sabbath day so that they could get Egypt out of them.
I've sat with this idea for almost a week now, knowing I needed to blog about it but not quite knowing where to begin.
I stopped attending church a number of weeks ago (I don't know the exact number anymore but I know my 'fast' started the first Sunday of Lent) and until recently I feel like I was holding my breath. Waiting to go back to a church building, to be fed theology that I may or may not agree with, to stomach watered down Christianity that is less about following Divine Love and more about an institution with rules and a set way of thinking and being. This past week I feel like I finally exhaled. And while I left a while ago its taken this long - these many Sundays of observing Sabbath and listening to podcasts that nourish my soul and unrolling my yoga mat faithfully Sunday after Sunday and journaling my most honest thoughts - to get church out of me. I don't think I fully have it out of me yet, and I honestly don't think I ever will. I was raised in a church, suffered some of my greatest wounds in a church, encountered beautiful people in a church. The institution of church is a part of who I am, like it or not. but I think I finally reached that point where I can exhale, where I feel free to begin deconstructing this area of my life with more brutal honesty.
I've left some hard spaces. Emotional spaces, relational ones, as well as spiritual and physical ones. I am still deep in the work of forgiveness, and while some days I feel like I won't ever get there I also look back and see how far I've come, how much ground I've reclaimed that I once thought I would never get back after deep injustices had been done against me. I'm learning where I need to draw boundaries, where to step back and not engage simply because I need to protect my own heart first. I feel like I'm shedding old skin, releasing all that no longer serves or fits me even though its scary. Even though some of the letting go has been extremely painful.
My health has been in an unusually positive state lately. After years of physical deprivation, of lack, of constant worry and being on alert and being afraid for my life, these last few weeks of calm and stability and even improvement in my condition has felt like an exhale. In some ways I am holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for things to get bad again. But in other ways I am breathing in all this ease and savoring it. The ache that was in me for so long, it feels like, is being purged out of me.
I wrote these words while I was at work today: "I have discovered the magic that comes when I work with my body instead of against it. When I stop intentionally consuming that which no longer serves me."
When I wrote those words, I could feel their profound weight in my body. Because that's what this whole journey these last few weeks and months have been about. To stop consuming that which no longer serves me, whether that looks like a formal church service, a relationship, a conversation, someone else's opinion, the food I put on my plate, where I choose to put my money, the behaviors I choose to participate in. I'm seeing the magic that comes when I purge myself of the old way, when I take time to rest and be filled, when I stop pursuing an old lifestyle. I'm getting what was out of me so I can step into what will be.
I've sat with this idea for almost a week now, knowing I needed to blog about it but not quite knowing where to begin.
I stopped attending church a number of weeks ago (I don't know the exact number anymore but I know my 'fast' started the first Sunday of Lent) and until recently I feel like I was holding my breath. Waiting to go back to a church building, to be fed theology that I may or may not agree with, to stomach watered down Christianity that is less about following Divine Love and more about an institution with rules and a set way of thinking and being. This past week I feel like I finally exhaled. And while I left a while ago its taken this long - these many Sundays of observing Sabbath and listening to podcasts that nourish my soul and unrolling my yoga mat faithfully Sunday after Sunday and journaling my most honest thoughts - to get church out of me. I don't think I fully have it out of me yet, and I honestly don't think I ever will. I was raised in a church, suffered some of my greatest wounds in a church, encountered beautiful people in a church. The institution of church is a part of who I am, like it or not. but I think I finally reached that point where I can exhale, where I feel free to begin deconstructing this area of my life with more brutal honesty.
I've left some hard spaces. Emotional spaces, relational ones, as well as spiritual and physical ones. I am still deep in the work of forgiveness, and while some days I feel like I won't ever get there I also look back and see how far I've come, how much ground I've reclaimed that I once thought I would never get back after deep injustices had been done against me. I'm learning where I need to draw boundaries, where to step back and not engage simply because I need to protect my own heart first. I feel like I'm shedding old skin, releasing all that no longer serves or fits me even though its scary. Even though some of the letting go has been extremely painful.
My health has been in an unusually positive state lately. After years of physical deprivation, of lack, of constant worry and being on alert and being afraid for my life, these last few weeks of calm and stability and even improvement in my condition has felt like an exhale. In some ways I am holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for things to get bad again. But in other ways I am breathing in all this ease and savoring it. The ache that was in me for so long, it feels like, is being purged out of me.
I wrote these words while I was at work today: "I have discovered the magic that comes when I work with my body instead of against it. When I stop intentionally consuming that which no longer serves me."
When I wrote those words, I could feel their profound weight in my body. Because that's what this whole journey these last few weeks and months have been about. To stop consuming that which no longer serves me, whether that looks like a formal church service, a relationship, a conversation, someone else's opinion, the food I put on my plate, where I choose to put my money, the behaviors I choose to participate in. I'm seeing the magic that comes when I purge myself of the old way, when I take time to rest and be filled, when I stop pursuing an old lifestyle. I'm getting what was out of me so I can step into what will be.
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