Finding your tribe
when i started this blog, i knew i wanted to be honest. i'd spent too long filtering myself, not saying things because i was afraid of how people might react. i've spent so long sitting down and biting my tongue and standing in the background because i was afraid to rock the boat.
but when i made this blog i knew i was ready to start telling the truth about my life and owning the things that had happened to me (i'm learning there is a difference between owning my story and stepping on the toes of others. i own every single thing that happened to me, and can talk about my own experiences. what i cannot speak to is the other person's experiences, thoughts, motives... It goes back to keeping my eyes on my own side of the road).
But something happened as i began telling the truth about my life in such a public way. I wrote a post that ruffled some feathers. It tipped that boat right over. I knew there would be feedback when i decided to post such intimate details of my life in such a public way, but i wasn't expecting the negative comments, gaslighting and emotional abuse that followed.
And something happened when i received those comments. I stopped writing. I closed up and stopped sharing and started becoming that girl who sits down and bites her tongue and tries not to rock the boat. (Now i'm realizing i never wanted to be on that boat anyway. who cares if i rock the boat? boats are dumb. swimming is better. i think i was born to be a mermaid). I called and emailed my tribe and poured out my heart to them and cried and asked them to read my words and tell me what i had done wrong and their kind, loving responses always came back the same: "You did nothing wrong. this is not you. when you get honest it shakes people up and scares them because it reflects something to them about their own life. but you did nothing wrong. your heart is good."
I stopped writing for a while out of genuine confusion and it took a while for me to understand the gravity of my words, what they meant for me and the people around me and how i needed to handle things going forward. and then i stopped writing because i was afraid.
This experience has done a lot of things for me but it did one thing that is still uncomfortable and shifting things in me and is new and profound but also scary. It showed me who my people are.
I read a quote yesterday and i wish i could remember the whole thing (If anyone knows where this is from let me know) and the first part of it said "Love says I trust you know who you are."
As i entered this whole journey post writing that post, i struggled with the definition of love. I went back through my life when people had said they loved me and their behaviors didn't match their words, and how then i began to link being mistreated with love. I listened to podcasts, read books, talked to my friends and journaled my conclusions.
I came to this result: Love says I trust in who you are (Not who i want you to be, not who you used to be but who you genuinely, authentically are in this moment.) Love is always FOR you (for your healing, your growth, your highest good.) Love holds space for you to make mistakes, and is always there to pick you back up. Love holds the line, not to be mean or in a way that is unkind but to support your highest good because love knows what is possible if you choose to embrace.
Once i came up with this definition of love, i had to face the hard reality that some people in my life who had said they loved me probably didn't. Maybe they tried. maybe they wanted to. But something was standing in the way of that love that was keeping it from being full, deep, true love.
And i had to be ok with that. I will be too much for some people, and thats ok because those people aren't my people. I don't need to make myself smaller or quieter or less of one thing to fit with them at that table.
i had that realization again this morning as i was having a conversation with someone. i had been desperately trying to fit at that table and as i was having this conversation (clearly deeper and more personal than this person wanted to engage in) I had the thought of "This person is not my person. and thats ok."
Something has happened when i learned to let go of the people who aren't my people. I have started to find my tribe. I have found rad, badass babes who are 100% FOR me. It's my yoga community, my feminine wholeness community, some family members, friends who are like family, my business partners. And i think most importantly in learning which people weren't for me and what love looks like, i learned to show up for and love myself.
I am still learning this. I'm not saying i'm not scared anymore. what i am saying is i will do it scared. all in the name of love.
"But what can happen over time is this: You wake up one day and realize that you have put yourself back togeher completely differently. that you are whole, finally and strong - but you are a different shape, a different size. this sort of change - the change that occurs when you sit inside your own pain - its revolutionary. when you let yourself die there is suddenly one day: new life. you are different. new. and no matter how hard you try you simply cannot fit into your old life anymore. you are like a snake trying to fit into old, dead skin, or like a butterfly trying to crawl back into the cocoon, or new wine trying to pour itself back into an old wineskin. the new you is equal parts undeniable and terrifying. because you just do not fit. and suddenly you know that. and you have become a woman who doesn't ignore her knowing. who doesn't pretend she doesn't know. because pretending makes you sick. and because you never promised yourself an easy life but you did promise yourself a true one. you did promise - back when you were putting yourself back together - that you'd never betray you again" Glennon Doyle Melton
but when i made this blog i knew i was ready to start telling the truth about my life and owning the things that had happened to me (i'm learning there is a difference between owning my story and stepping on the toes of others. i own every single thing that happened to me, and can talk about my own experiences. what i cannot speak to is the other person's experiences, thoughts, motives... It goes back to keeping my eyes on my own side of the road).
But something happened as i began telling the truth about my life in such a public way. I wrote a post that ruffled some feathers. It tipped that boat right over. I knew there would be feedback when i decided to post such intimate details of my life in such a public way, but i wasn't expecting the negative comments, gaslighting and emotional abuse that followed.
And something happened when i received those comments. I stopped writing. I closed up and stopped sharing and started becoming that girl who sits down and bites her tongue and tries not to rock the boat. (Now i'm realizing i never wanted to be on that boat anyway. who cares if i rock the boat? boats are dumb. swimming is better. i think i was born to be a mermaid). I called and emailed my tribe and poured out my heart to them and cried and asked them to read my words and tell me what i had done wrong and their kind, loving responses always came back the same: "You did nothing wrong. this is not you. when you get honest it shakes people up and scares them because it reflects something to them about their own life. but you did nothing wrong. your heart is good."
I stopped writing for a while out of genuine confusion and it took a while for me to understand the gravity of my words, what they meant for me and the people around me and how i needed to handle things going forward. and then i stopped writing because i was afraid.
This experience has done a lot of things for me but it did one thing that is still uncomfortable and shifting things in me and is new and profound but also scary. It showed me who my people are.
I read a quote yesterday and i wish i could remember the whole thing (If anyone knows where this is from let me know) and the first part of it said "Love says I trust you know who you are."
As i entered this whole journey post writing that post, i struggled with the definition of love. I went back through my life when people had said they loved me and their behaviors didn't match their words, and how then i began to link being mistreated with love. I listened to podcasts, read books, talked to my friends and journaled my conclusions.
I came to this result: Love says I trust in who you are (Not who i want you to be, not who you used to be but who you genuinely, authentically are in this moment.) Love is always FOR you (for your healing, your growth, your highest good.) Love holds space for you to make mistakes, and is always there to pick you back up. Love holds the line, not to be mean or in a way that is unkind but to support your highest good because love knows what is possible if you choose to embrace.
Once i came up with this definition of love, i had to face the hard reality that some people in my life who had said they loved me probably didn't. Maybe they tried. maybe they wanted to. But something was standing in the way of that love that was keeping it from being full, deep, true love.
And i had to be ok with that. I will be too much for some people, and thats ok because those people aren't my people. I don't need to make myself smaller or quieter or less of one thing to fit with them at that table.
i had that realization again this morning as i was having a conversation with someone. i had been desperately trying to fit at that table and as i was having this conversation (clearly deeper and more personal than this person wanted to engage in) I had the thought of "This person is not my person. and thats ok."
Something has happened when i learned to let go of the people who aren't my people. I have started to find my tribe. I have found rad, badass babes who are 100% FOR me. It's my yoga community, my feminine wholeness community, some family members, friends who are like family, my business partners. And i think most importantly in learning which people weren't for me and what love looks like, i learned to show up for and love myself.
I am still learning this. I'm not saying i'm not scared anymore. what i am saying is i will do it scared. all in the name of love.
"But what can happen over time is this: You wake up one day and realize that you have put yourself back togeher completely differently. that you are whole, finally and strong - but you are a different shape, a different size. this sort of change - the change that occurs when you sit inside your own pain - its revolutionary. when you let yourself die there is suddenly one day: new life. you are different. new. and no matter how hard you try you simply cannot fit into your old life anymore. you are like a snake trying to fit into old, dead skin, or like a butterfly trying to crawl back into the cocoon, or new wine trying to pour itself back into an old wineskin. the new you is equal parts undeniable and terrifying. because you just do not fit. and suddenly you know that. and you have become a woman who doesn't ignore her knowing. who doesn't pretend she doesn't know. because pretending makes you sick. and because you never promised yourself an easy life but you did promise yourself a true one. you did promise - back when you were putting yourself back together - that you'd never betray you again" Glennon Doyle Melton
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