Leaving time
Ever since I decided to go I've been thinking about leaving.
Giving in my 2 weeks notice seemed to trigger something in me, and since then my heart has been heavy thinking about leaving. All the times I left, all the times I didn't leave when I should have.
As I walked out those double doors for the last time on Friday I was hit with a sudden pang of missing. sometimes, even when one is leaving for the right reasons, good reasons, the leaving can feel almost bittersweet. Because as much pain and toxic air that was held within those walls, there were also smiles and laughter and genuine care being given.
I never expected to feel sad. For weeks, maybe even months, before I left I would run around in circles talking about all the things I didn't like, the ways the system was corrupt, the huge flaws in the way things were run. and then as I walked out those doors I noticed myself crying because this place had taught me so much.
that's the way it is with endings, right?
As I left I wasn't just walking away from a job but from every other toxic, abusive person and system I've previously walked away from.
I remember the first time, when I was just an adolescent girl with shaking hands who still didn't know who she was, watching an episode of Oprah (Oprah will always have a special place in my heart just because of this moment) and feeling myself spiraling further and further into darkness when she was talking about abuse survivors, and how I was finally able to give a name to what I knew wasn't ok, and how when this woman i'd never met on television said there was hope it gave me enough courage to not just say no with my voice but my feet, to walk away and, eventually, tell someone, and keep telling until someone believed me.
I remember all the times I walked away from boys who wanted more from me than I was willing to give. they said all the things I wanted to hear, and maybe its just because I was young and naïve but I would always be shocked when they asked for more, when they made assumptions on what liberties they could take. I remember saying no, and then sitting in my room for hours wondering if i'd made the right decision, that maybe I could do this one little thing so the attention would keep coming, sitting on my hands to keep from picking up the phone.
I remember that time in college, right before I started dating my now husband, being left by a boy who was really just a different interpretation of all the boys who had come before him, and crumpling to the ground in the public dining hall but knowing this would be the beginning of healing for me.
There were a lot of times I stayed longer than I should have in abusive, toxic situations. there were many times when I left and second guessed my leaving.
as I've reflected on all this leaving, I've been thinking about why I kept putting myself in those situations again and again, why the pattern kept persisting. the boys, the toxic cycles, they were different but they were all the same. And when I get quiet, and honest, the answer comes to me. I didn't believe I was worth more than the abusive, the toxic. I didn't believe I was worthy of good things. I didn't trust myself enough to listen to my gut, and to believe that I would be ok on my own.
I've made decisions to leave a lot of things lately. Church, family systems, my job. And it's left me feeling displaced. It's a bittersweet leaving, because even though I know its where I need to be I desperately long for the comfort of the known, of those boxes that kept me contained even though they became much too small.
I'm leaving because i'm learning how to trust myself, to trust my knowing and to listen to the voice of love as its guiding me. I'm leaving because I finally believe I am worthy of good things, of more than staying in spaces that have become too small for me or that are downright abusive. I'm leaving because, as scary as it is, I know i'll be ok on my own. I'm leaving because I love myself too much not to.
I've been listening to Kesha's new song, praying, on repeat lately because I feel like it fits my life so well right now. As I'm leaving, but more than leaving i'm coming back to myself. I'm done being in situations that are toxic, abusive, not for me.
I'm proud of who I am.
no more monsters, I can breathe again
and you said that I was done
well you were wrong and now the best is yet to come
cause I can make it on my own
and I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known
i'll bring the thunder, i'll bring the rain
when i'm finished they won't even know your name
you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
and we both know all the truth I could tell
i'll just say this is I wish you farewell
Giving in my 2 weeks notice seemed to trigger something in me, and since then my heart has been heavy thinking about leaving. All the times I left, all the times I didn't leave when I should have.
As I walked out those double doors for the last time on Friday I was hit with a sudden pang of missing. sometimes, even when one is leaving for the right reasons, good reasons, the leaving can feel almost bittersweet. Because as much pain and toxic air that was held within those walls, there were also smiles and laughter and genuine care being given.
I never expected to feel sad. For weeks, maybe even months, before I left I would run around in circles talking about all the things I didn't like, the ways the system was corrupt, the huge flaws in the way things were run. and then as I walked out those doors I noticed myself crying because this place had taught me so much.
that's the way it is with endings, right?
As I left I wasn't just walking away from a job but from every other toxic, abusive person and system I've previously walked away from.
I remember the first time, when I was just an adolescent girl with shaking hands who still didn't know who she was, watching an episode of Oprah (Oprah will always have a special place in my heart just because of this moment) and feeling myself spiraling further and further into darkness when she was talking about abuse survivors, and how I was finally able to give a name to what I knew wasn't ok, and how when this woman i'd never met on television said there was hope it gave me enough courage to not just say no with my voice but my feet, to walk away and, eventually, tell someone, and keep telling until someone believed me.
I remember all the times I walked away from boys who wanted more from me than I was willing to give. they said all the things I wanted to hear, and maybe its just because I was young and naïve but I would always be shocked when they asked for more, when they made assumptions on what liberties they could take. I remember saying no, and then sitting in my room for hours wondering if i'd made the right decision, that maybe I could do this one little thing so the attention would keep coming, sitting on my hands to keep from picking up the phone.
I remember that time in college, right before I started dating my now husband, being left by a boy who was really just a different interpretation of all the boys who had come before him, and crumpling to the ground in the public dining hall but knowing this would be the beginning of healing for me.
There were a lot of times I stayed longer than I should have in abusive, toxic situations. there were many times when I left and second guessed my leaving.
as I've reflected on all this leaving, I've been thinking about why I kept putting myself in those situations again and again, why the pattern kept persisting. the boys, the toxic cycles, they were different but they were all the same. And when I get quiet, and honest, the answer comes to me. I didn't believe I was worth more than the abusive, the toxic. I didn't believe I was worthy of good things. I didn't trust myself enough to listen to my gut, and to believe that I would be ok on my own.
I've made decisions to leave a lot of things lately. Church, family systems, my job. And it's left me feeling displaced. It's a bittersweet leaving, because even though I know its where I need to be I desperately long for the comfort of the known, of those boxes that kept me contained even though they became much too small.
I'm leaving because i'm learning how to trust myself, to trust my knowing and to listen to the voice of love as its guiding me. I'm leaving because I finally believe I am worthy of good things, of more than staying in spaces that have become too small for me or that are downright abusive. I'm leaving because, as scary as it is, I know i'll be ok on my own. I'm leaving because I love myself too much not to.
I've been listening to Kesha's new song, praying, on repeat lately because I feel like it fits my life so well right now. As I'm leaving, but more than leaving i'm coming back to myself. I'm done being in situations that are toxic, abusive, not for me.
I'm proud of who I am.
no more monsters, I can breathe again
and you said that I was done
well you were wrong and now the best is yet to come
cause I can make it on my own
and I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known
i'll bring the thunder, i'll bring the rain
when i'm finished they won't even know your name
you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
and we both know all the truth I could tell
i'll just say this is I wish you farewell
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