Soul-Care
I haven't written much about my yoga teacher training.
I started in September and by January will (hopefully) be certified to teach 2 different styles of yoga (My 200 hour training is from September to January and I'm taking a second training for Buti yoga right in the middle which will take place next month)
I have no words to describe what this experience is like. Aside from just strengthening my own physical yoga practice I have experienced amazing connection and community. Teaching yoga has been a dream of mine since I first discovered the practice way back in high school and it is everything I hoped for and more.
This past weekend was my second in studio training weekend. It's also where I got to teach my first round of sun salutations and co-teach a tapestry yoga class with 30 of my best friends. The energy in that room was amazing and by the end of the flow I don't know if there was anyone not crying. It was that powerful, that beautiful.
My first weekend of training shook me up. We dealt a lot with the chakra system (If you don't know what that is the easiest way to explain it is that its just a certain way of looking at the energy centers found in your body) and I looked at the trauma I'd been storing in my body for years. Things I hadn't even considered as trauma, things that were coming up in my yoga practice that I had no clue were connected to things I had experienced years ago, all of it came up and it was a lot to deal with.
I left that weekend feeling very heavy. And the days that followed were no easier.
I had to make the choice to walk away from relationships in my life that were toxic to me (As one of my fellow trainees explained and I agree with, this in no ways means that they were cruel and uncaring people. I honestly believe many of the people I have chosen to cease close relationships with have good intentions. but the way they lived their lives in a way that was true to them was toxic to me because it put me in a position where I would compromise myself. They are not bad people, and I still care about them dearly. They just weren't the right people for me and I had to choose to put myself first). I started my new job, and then immediately wondered what I had gotten myself into (This panic did pass if you were wondering. My job is challenging but I love it (most days)). I spoke publically about certain issues that were important to me and met backlash from others who didn't get it. I was (and am) dealing with a Dysautonomia flare that at times leaves me unable to move.
Shit got real after my first weekend of training. I don't know if I can ever live in a way that shit doesn't become real as it seems that has become my reality but at some moments this is more evident than others.
It made me realize how not fine I am. I am fine because I'm healing and I'm at a place in my life where I don't feel fractured and dissociated from myself but healing is hard work and its painful and I can't just gloss over the painful parts in my life.
And then the second weekend of training came and even as I was driving into the studio on the first day I could feel the heaviness sticking to me. But during that weekend something happened. Maybe it was teaching my first class or maybe it was being around my amazing tribe but things began to shift and fall away. And I realized I needed to make a change.
I was in the process of making a change but I was scared and I needed to stop with the back and forth and just commit.
So on that Sunday, our last day of training, I made a commitment to myself to choose me. To show up for myself, to be present, to stop waiting for someone else to make the next move or something else to change or more free time or for a better opportunity.
I want to be able to look at the girl in the mirror every day and feel the same way I did after teaching on Sunday. I want to feel embodied and integrated and whole. I want to choose myself, choose presence over perfection, choose self care over hustle.
And what its done for me this past week is bring so much joy. I'm learning to stop apologizing for myself and what I think and what I believe. I'm learning to just show up, and let stuff happen to me without trying to control it, to feel the sunshine on my skin and be where I am when i'm there and not think 10 steps down the road.
I don't want to live a life I don't love. I don't want to live my life feeling disconnected from myself in an effort to please other people. And I don't want to waste my life caught up in anxiety and the next thing and whats happening next week.
I want to be here, and now. I want to tell the truth, even if my voice shakes and even if other people don't like it. I want to put myself first and take care of myself SO I can take care of everyone else.
And this is hard. healing is hard. showing up is hard.
but what i'm learning is that it is so so worth it.
I started in September and by January will (hopefully) be certified to teach 2 different styles of yoga (My 200 hour training is from September to January and I'm taking a second training for Buti yoga right in the middle which will take place next month)
I have no words to describe what this experience is like. Aside from just strengthening my own physical yoga practice I have experienced amazing connection and community. Teaching yoga has been a dream of mine since I first discovered the practice way back in high school and it is everything I hoped for and more.
This past weekend was my second in studio training weekend. It's also where I got to teach my first round of sun salutations and co-teach a tapestry yoga class with 30 of my best friends. The energy in that room was amazing and by the end of the flow I don't know if there was anyone not crying. It was that powerful, that beautiful.
My first weekend of training shook me up. We dealt a lot with the chakra system (If you don't know what that is the easiest way to explain it is that its just a certain way of looking at the energy centers found in your body) and I looked at the trauma I'd been storing in my body for years. Things I hadn't even considered as trauma, things that were coming up in my yoga practice that I had no clue were connected to things I had experienced years ago, all of it came up and it was a lot to deal with.
I left that weekend feeling very heavy. And the days that followed were no easier.
I had to make the choice to walk away from relationships in my life that were toxic to me (As one of my fellow trainees explained and I agree with, this in no ways means that they were cruel and uncaring people. I honestly believe many of the people I have chosen to cease close relationships with have good intentions. but the way they lived their lives in a way that was true to them was toxic to me because it put me in a position where I would compromise myself. They are not bad people, and I still care about them dearly. They just weren't the right people for me and I had to choose to put myself first). I started my new job, and then immediately wondered what I had gotten myself into (This panic did pass if you were wondering. My job is challenging but I love it (most days)). I spoke publically about certain issues that were important to me and met backlash from others who didn't get it. I was (and am) dealing with a Dysautonomia flare that at times leaves me unable to move.
Shit got real after my first weekend of training. I don't know if I can ever live in a way that shit doesn't become real as it seems that has become my reality but at some moments this is more evident than others.
It made me realize how not fine I am. I am fine because I'm healing and I'm at a place in my life where I don't feel fractured and dissociated from myself but healing is hard work and its painful and I can't just gloss over the painful parts in my life.
And then the second weekend of training came and even as I was driving into the studio on the first day I could feel the heaviness sticking to me. But during that weekend something happened. Maybe it was teaching my first class or maybe it was being around my amazing tribe but things began to shift and fall away. And I realized I needed to make a change.
I was in the process of making a change but I was scared and I needed to stop with the back and forth and just commit.
So on that Sunday, our last day of training, I made a commitment to myself to choose me. To show up for myself, to be present, to stop waiting for someone else to make the next move or something else to change or more free time or for a better opportunity.
I want to be able to look at the girl in the mirror every day and feel the same way I did after teaching on Sunday. I want to feel embodied and integrated and whole. I want to choose myself, choose presence over perfection, choose self care over hustle.
And what its done for me this past week is bring so much joy. I'm learning to stop apologizing for myself and what I think and what I believe. I'm learning to just show up, and let stuff happen to me without trying to control it, to feel the sunshine on my skin and be where I am when i'm there and not think 10 steps down the road.
I don't want to live a life I don't love. I don't want to live my life feeling disconnected from myself in an effort to please other people. And I don't want to waste my life caught up in anxiety and the next thing and whats happening next week.
I want to be here, and now. I want to tell the truth, even if my voice shakes and even if other people don't like it. I want to put myself first and take care of myself SO I can take care of everyone else.
And this is hard. healing is hard. showing up is hard.
but what i'm learning is that it is so so worth it.
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