Living slowly
It's been a while.
Months filled with other people's stories that I'm not at liberty to write about. Months filled with burying down deep, staying quiet. Months of great change - some good and some not so good.
And I've been hiding. Sometimes taking time out for solitude and reflection and healing is the greatest act of self care and I allowed myself that time. I allowed myself to live my story rather than write it, which is something I haven't done for a really long time.
But I find myself missing the familiar feeling of my fingers against the keyboard and I can't seem to shake this feeling that I have a lot to share. Even deeper I know that showing up is a spiritual practice and it is something I'm called to do.
I'm finding the balance between writing, reflecting and being so wildly present.
I've thought of a hundred different ways to begin this post. I thought about doing a little life update but that didn't seem right. I don't want to be the kind of person who people only read my blog to find out what I've been doing over the last 2 months. Let's go for coffee to talk about that! I thought about writing on how tomorrow marks the beginning of Lent, and how one year ago for Lent I decided to give up church. It's a year later, I still haven't returned to church and my faith has exploded. On a similar note I thought maybe I would write about what I actually do believe, on Divine Love and Sophia wisdom. Maybe I'd write an honest piece on marriage, because its been rocking my world lately and revealing so much to me. Or maybe I'll tell the story of a time last week where I learned to trust myself. I want to write about all of those things.
But I want to write about something else first. I've been learning to live slowly.
I went and saw a therapist a few weeks ago (Which ended up being a mistake. Nothing against therapists - God knows we need them - but it wasn't the right fit and didn't end up working for me). It was a doctor ordered visit to talk about my issues with food but as I sat there hearing her talk about food I realized the reason why I was sitting here talking about food wasn't about food at all. I was sitting here because I don't know how to take accountability for my life. Things get hard and I hit the escape button.
Last week things in my marriage got hard. Really hard. Like the kind where you look at the other person and wonder what you are even doing here. But it was in that moment I saw my history of hitting the escape button. I saw how often I don't trust myself. And harder to deal with than the hurt and betrayal I felt over this moment in my marriage was the hurt and betrayal I felt over years of abandoning myself.
I was at the yoga studio this morning (a sudden change over the last few months where I lost my job and then somehow ended up teaching yoga to kids for no reason other than that it makes me happy) and as I saw them lying there I couldn't blink away the tears fast enough. I saw these kids breathing, learning to be with their bodies, talking about the things they loved about themselves, and it took my breath away with how beautiful it was and how lucky I felt just to be a part of it. And how these kids teach me just as much as I teach them. They talk to me about living in the moment, the value of play, loving yourself and every single day my heart feels like it might explode from being so full.
I'm learning how to do the things that give me joy. Even if I'm not making money or being successful by worldly definitions or making a name for myself teaching yoga I'm teaching myself the beauty that comes with following your passion and doing what lights you up.
I've been taking more time to meditate, to pay attention to my body and how its moving. I'm doing what makes me happy, and realizing what's not working for me. And I'm learning to not be afraid of saying what I think and changing things if I don't like them.
I'm learning to listen to my own inner wisdom - Sophia. The Divine feminine that is within me and her powerful voice that reminds me if I stop hitting that escape button I know the next right thing. I've always had the wisdom inside me. I don't need to ask everyone else or look outside myself. I just need to be quiet and listen. because I know.
I know what makes me happy and I know what I need to thrive and make magic and feel whole.
It's just the scariness of what other people will think and going against the norm that stops me.
I found when I started living slowly, when I started listening to my inner wisdom, when I began breathing with Sophia and accessing my hidden wholeness and stopped apologizing for my life things began to change.
I don't know what's going to happen in the future. Sometimes I wish I did. I long for that control I perceived as a safety net. But when I begin to feel overwhelmed and desire the safe, comfortable life that I was told I was supposed to want I take a deep breath. And I remember what I know.
that this is a redemption story. Whatever happens, whether or not things go the way I want them to this story is about redemption and healing. I am not broken, and I never was. I have always been whole. I have always been part of the flow. I have always had divine wisdom inside me.
I'm living slower now. Less hustle, less forcing myself into places just because I feel its where I should be, less producing, less trying so hard. I've been spending more time doing what makes me happy, breathing, moving my body.
When you start to connect to that feminine wisdom that says its ok to slow down people get worried you've gone insane. in a world full of so much masculine energy - so much value on producing and success - it seems countercultural. and it is, in a way.
But living this way has made me so much happier, and softer, and more free. Braver and bolder and kinder and more loving.
I'm showing up. It looks different now, and that's more than ok.
Months filled with other people's stories that I'm not at liberty to write about. Months filled with burying down deep, staying quiet. Months of great change - some good and some not so good.
And I've been hiding. Sometimes taking time out for solitude and reflection and healing is the greatest act of self care and I allowed myself that time. I allowed myself to live my story rather than write it, which is something I haven't done for a really long time.
But I find myself missing the familiar feeling of my fingers against the keyboard and I can't seem to shake this feeling that I have a lot to share. Even deeper I know that showing up is a spiritual practice and it is something I'm called to do.
I'm finding the balance between writing, reflecting and being so wildly present.
I've thought of a hundred different ways to begin this post. I thought about doing a little life update but that didn't seem right. I don't want to be the kind of person who people only read my blog to find out what I've been doing over the last 2 months. Let's go for coffee to talk about that! I thought about writing on how tomorrow marks the beginning of Lent, and how one year ago for Lent I decided to give up church. It's a year later, I still haven't returned to church and my faith has exploded. On a similar note I thought maybe I would write about what I actually do believe, on Divine Love and Sophia wisdom. Maybe I'd write an honest piece on marriage, because its been rocking my world lately and revealing so much to me. Or maybe I'll tell the story of a time last week where I learned to trust myself. I want to write about all of those things.
But I want to write about something else first. I've been learning to live slowly.
I went and saw a therapist a few weeks ago (Which ended up being a mistake. Nothing against therapists - God knows we need them - but it wasn't the right fit and didn't end up working for me). It was a doctor ordered visit to talk about my issues with food but as I sat there hearing her talk about food I realized the reason why I was sitting here talking about food wasn't about food at all. I was sitting here because I don't know how to take accountability for my life. Things get hard and I hit the escape button.
Last week things in my marriage got hard. Really hard. Like the kind where you look at the other person and wonder what you are even doing here. But it was in that moment I saw my history of hitting the escape button. I saw how often I don't trust myself. And harder to deal with than the hurt and betrayal I felt over this moment in my marriage was the hurt and betrayal I felt over years of abandoning myself.
I was at the yoga studio this morning (a sudden change over the last few months where I lost my job and then somehow ended up teaching yoga to kids for no reason other than that it makes me happy) and as I saw them lying there I couldn't blink away the tears fast enough. I saw these kids breathing, learning to be with their bodies, talking about the things they loved about themselves, and it took my breath away with how beautiful it was and how lucky I felt just to be a part of it. And how these kids teach me just as much as I teach them. They talk to me about living in the moment, the value of play, loving yourself and every single day my heart feels like it might explode from being so full.
I'm learning how to do the things that give me joy. Even if I'm not making money or being successful by worldly definitions or making a name for myself teaching yoga I'm teaching myself the beauty that comes with following your passion and doing what lights you up.
I've been taking more time to meditate, to pay attention to my body and how its moving. I'm doing what makes me happy, and realizing what's not working for me. And I'm learning to not be afraid of saying what I think and changing things if I don't like them.
I'm learning to listen to my own inner wisdom - Sophia. The Divine feminine that is within me and her powerful voice that reminds me if I stop hitting that escape button I know the next right thing. I've always had the wisdom inside me. I don't need to ask everyone else or look outside myself. I just need to be quiet and listen. because I know.
I know what makes me happy and I know what I need to thrive and make magic and feel whole.
It's just the scariness of what other people will think and going against the norm that stops me.
I found when I started living slowly, when I started listening to my inner wisdom, when I began breathing with Sophia and accessing my hidden wholeness and stopped apologizing for my life things began to change.
I don't know what's going to happen in the future. Sometimes I wish I did. I long for that control I perceived as a safety net. But when I begin to feel overwhelmed and desire the safe, comfortable life that I was told I was supposed to want I take a deep breath. And I remember what I know.
that this is a redemption story. Whatever happens, whether or not things go the way I want them to this story is about redemption and healing. I am not broken, and I never was. I have always been whole. I have always been part of the flow. I have always had divine wisdom inside me.
I'm living slower now. Less hustle, less forcing myself into places just because I feel its where I should be, less producing, less trying so hard. I've been spending more time doing what makes me happy, breathing, moving my body.
When you start to connect to that feminine wisdom that says its ok to slow down people get worried you've gone insane. in a world full of so much masculine energy - so much value on producing and success - it seems countercultural. and it is, in a way.
But living this way has made me so much happier, and softer, and more free. Braver and bolder and kinder and more loving.
I'm showing up. It looks different now, and that's more than ok.
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