Sacred Marriage
Maybe you've seen it.
The article floating around facebook on why we should stop saying marriage is hard.
I'll tell you my conclusion on this post in just a few words: its wrong. Marriage is really really hard. I wish more people had told me marriage is hard. But not just told me marriage is hard, but to be honest about marriage and WHY its hard. Because I always heard that marriage is hard and then I got married and one of my first thoughts stumbling through that post-wedding fog into the "real life" days was "Nobody told me it was hard like this"
I'd heard that marriage was hard but because he would leave his socks on the floor (which he does) and because we would want to organize our house differently (which we do) or because living in such close proximity with one person is difficult to adjust to (which it is).
But no one told me marriage was hard in the way that being in such an intimate relationship with another person rips open your wounds if you'll let it. If you're really committed to connection and vulnerability and growth marriage will take every idea you ever held about the world and love and the opposite sex and family and challenge it.
Marriage is hard because he leaves his socks on the floor but marriage is harder because its learning how to do soul work with another person who happens to leave his socks in your kitchen and doesn't put his dishes in the sink and also sleeps in your bed and sits with you at the breakfast table every morning. Marriage is hard because there is no checking out, at least not if you want to be a healthy person committed to growth, and want a healthy marriage. And then you add in the issues of paying bills and who is taking the garbage out and work schedules and where are you going for Christmas and this person who is disrupting everything you knew also wants to have sex with you which brings up more insecurities and fears and past trauma. And I would like to see a person who can get through all of this without saying its hard. I want to see one person who can do all of this and be married and be present and not go insane and still say they are loving every second of it and never think its hard and then I want to call them crazy (Not quite, but almost...)
I'm reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown for my yoga teacher training and I stumbled across this quote, not long after I had my first encounter with said article. It said: "I found in research that men and women who self report as hopeful put considerable value on persistence and hard work. the new cultural belief that everything should be fun, fast and easy is inconsistent with hopeful thinking"
This made me pause for a minute. Partly because I think marriage is counter-cultural. Its not fun, fast or easy, though it definitely has parts of all of those. And when people say marriage is easy, first of all I think there are areas in their lives where they aren't being completely honest, but I also think its because people are trying to fit marriage into this box created by culture that marriage was never supposed to be in. When people try to make marriage this thing that is fun and fast and easy, denying or minimizing its hard parts, I think they are taking away some of the magic.
I recently started reading a lot about the idea of sacred marriage. It includes but goes beyond what I was always taught about God being the center of every marriage. Marriage is, and should be, where the sacred feminine and the sacred masculine meet.
It is an integration of our whole selves. It is something new entirely. To enter into the sacred marriage we must enter into a new way of being. Marriage is an invitation to sacred, healing work.
I didn't know that going into marriage and I don't think a lot of people do. We don't talk about masculine and feminine energies, about the sacred masculine and the sacred feminine and the integration of these, the union which becomes the sacred marriage.
I have no problem with saying marriage is hard, and in fact I think we should say it more. Because hard doesn't mean hopeless. I will be the first to tell you marriage is really hard, but I am also so hopeful. In this hard, I know I am becoming more whole, more of myself. Hard doesn't mean the absence of goodness.
As Brene says fun, fast and easy (what culture thinks marriage should be) is actually inconsistent with hopeful thinking. She goes on to say that line of thinking actually sets us up for hopelessness because when things do get hard we are quick to think "this isn't the way its supposed to be" and "it must be hard because I'm not good at it".
As Glennon Doyle says 'it's not hard because you're bad at it. Its that way for everybody.' I don't think we can accurately prepare anyone for sacred marriage because a marriage is as unique as the people that are in it. But I do think honesty, open communication and owning our own stories are really good places to start.
My marriage has taught me a lot about loving another person but its taught me even more about loving myself. Its taught me about finding and becoming more of that sacred feminine, stepping into wholeness. Its given me space to look at my wounds, and the safety to be vulnerable about it and let my wounds be healed. Its made me become accountable for my own story, my own shit, my own stuff that I am bringing into this relationship. Marriage has taught me that I need to love myself before I can ever really give, and receive, love from another person. The day I decided to love myself first my entire relationship shifted because suddenly it didn't matter what he did or didn't do, I knew I was secure within myself. I didn't need him to take care of me, and it gave me space to want him to take care of me. Loving myself meant pursuing what I needed, doing things that filled me up, looking after myself. Then I could bring my whole self into this sacred marital space and give and receive freely without needing him to complete me or make the decisions for me or give me pleasure and happiness or make me feel safe and loved. (Please don't think that just because I know all of this about myself means I do it perfectly. I don't. ever. most days I don't even do it ok. its a continual practice, and i'm working on it)
So this is what I think about marriage: its hard. Its really f*&$ing hard. Its also the most beautiful, most sacred, wildest, most vulnerable, most exposing place I've ever sat in my entire life. And I'm hopeful for what the future brings. Good or bad, I know I'm secure. When we realize this, I think our marriages could transform the world.
"Like tightrope walkers we maintain a precarious balance between the demands of daily life and demands of the soul. we are unprepared for the immensity of healing work that awaits us as we step into the sanctified space of marriage. Yet this is work that has the potential to heal not only ourselves but our communities and the earth itself"
The article floating around facebook on why we should stop saying marriage is hard.
I'll tell you my conclusion on this post in just a few words: its wrong. Marriage is really really hard. I wish more people had told me marriage is hard. But not just told me marriage is hard, but to be honest about marriage and WHY its hard. Because I always heard that marriage is hard and then I got married and one of my first thoughts stumbling through that post-wedding fog into the "real life" days was "Nobody told me it was hard like this"
I'd heard that marriage was hard but because he would leave his socks on the floor (which he does) and because we would want to organize our house differently (which we do) or because living in such close proximity with one person is difficult to adjust to (which it is).
But no one told me marriage was hard in the way that being in such an intimate relationship with another person rips open your wounds if you'll let it. If you're really committed to connection and vulnerability and growth marriage will take every idea you ever held about the world and love and the opposite sex and family and challenge it.
Marriage is hard because he leaves his socks on the floor but marriage is harder because its learning how to do soul work with another person who happens to leave his socks in your kitchen and doesn't put his dishes in the sink and also sleeps in your bed and sits with you at the breakfast table every morning. Marriage is hard because there is no checking out, at least not if you want to be a healthy person committed to growth, and want a healthy marriage. And then you add in the issues of paying bills and who is taking the garbage out and work schedules and where are you going for Christmas and this person who is disrupting everything you knew also wants to have sex with you which brings up more insecurities and fears and past trauma. And I would like to see a person who can get through all of this without saying its hard. I want to see one person who can do all of this and be married and be present and not go insane and still say they are loving every second of it and never think its hard and then I want to call them crazy (Not quite, but almost...)
I'm reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown for my yoga teacher training and I stumbled across this quote, not long after I had my first encounter with said article. It said: "I found in research that men and women who self report as hopeful put considerable value on persistence and hard work. the new cultural belief that everything should be fun, fast and easy is inconsistent with hopeful thinking"
This made me pause for a minute. Partly because I think marriage is counter-cultural. Its not fun, fast or easy, though it definitely has parts of all of those. And when people say marriage is easy, first of all I think there are areas in their lives where they aren't being completely honest, but I also think its because people are trying to fit marriage into this box created by culture that marriage was never supposed to be in. When people try to make marriage this thing that is fun and fast and easy, denying or minimizing its hard parts, I think they are taking away some of the magic.
I recently started reading a lot about the idea of sacred marriage. It includes but goes beyond what I was always taught about God being the center of every marriage. Marriage is, and should be, where the sacred feminine and the sacred masculine meet.
It is an integration of our whole selves. It is something new entirely. To enter into the sacred marriage we must enter into a new way of being. Marriage is an invitation to sacred, healing work.
I didn't know that going into marriage and I don't think a lot of people do. We don't talk about masculine and feminine energies, about the sacred masculine and the sacred feminine and the integration of these, the union which becomes the sacred marriage.
I have no problem with saying marriage is hard, and in fact I think we should say it more. Because hard doesn't mean hopeless. I will be the first to tell you marriage is really hard, but I am also so hopeful. In this hard, I know I am becoming more whole, more of myself. Hard doesn't mean the absence of goodness.
As Brene says fun, fast and easy (what culture thinks marriage should be) is actually inconsistent with hopeful thinking. She goes on to say that line of thinking actually sets us up for hopelessness because when things do get hard we are quick to think "this isn't the way its supposed to be" and "it must be hard because I'm not good at it".
As Glennon Doyle says 'it's not hard because you're bad at it. Its that way for everybody.' I don't think we can accurately prepare anyone for sacred marriage because a marriage is as unique as the people that are in it. But I do think honesty, open communication and owning our own stories are really good places to start.
My marriage has taught me a lot about loving another person but its taught me even more about loving myself. Its taught me about finding and becoming more of that sacred feminine, stepping into wholeness. Its given me space to look at my wounds, and the safety to be vulnerable about it and let my wounds be healed. Its made me become accountable for my own story, my own shit, my own stuff that I am bringing into this relationship. Marriage has taught me that I need to love myself before I can ever really give, and receive, love from another person. The day I decided to love myself first my entire relationship shifted because suddenly it didn't matter what he did or didn't do, I knew I was secure within myself. I didn't need him to take care of me, and it gave me space to want him to take care of me. Loving myself meant pursuing what I needed, doing things that filled me up, looking after myself. Then I could bring my whole self into this sacred marital space and give and receive freely without needing him to complete me or make the decisions for me or give me pleasure and happiness or make me feel safe and loved. (Please don't think that just because I know all of this about myself means I do it perfectly. I don't. ever. most days I don't even do it ok. its a continual practice, and i'm working on it)
So this is what I think about marriage: its hard. Its really f*&$ing hard. Its also the most beautiful, most sacred, wildest, most vulnerable, most exposing place I've ever sat in my entire life. And I'm hopeful for what the future brings. Good or bad, I know I'm secure. When we realize this, I think our marriages could transform the world.
"Like tightrope walkers we maintain a precarious balance between the demands of daily life and demands of the soul. we are unprepared for the immensity of healing work that awaits us as we step into the sanctified space of marriage. Yet this is work that has the potential to heal not only ourselves but our communities and the earth itself"
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