Teaching people how to treat you
A while ago my friend posted a story on her insta-stories about a show she was watching. I don't remember what show it was, or even what the context was but I remember a quote from it (If anyone knows the show help a girl out!) I paused her story, scrambling for a pen and paper to write this down because this quote, and the way my darling friend explained it, left such a huge impact on me.
The quote was "You can stay or you can go but you cannot kill me. I won't allow it."
My friend then talked about how this quote related to how people were treating her in her life.
I've thought about this quote so many times since then, in different life situations and relationships. And these last few days its been on my mind again.
I want to tell you about codependent me. The me who, when someone was upset with her, would have scrambled and lost sleep and run herself ragged trying to figure out what the problem was and keep the peace and make people ok with her. The girl who invested so much of herself into relationships not because she loved people but because the relationships were a reflection on her.
I've done some serious work between then and now, and really the only thing that separates me and her is time.
Someone wise once told me that you teach people how to treat you. I didn't understand this when it was said to me. I thought it was a nice idea, but I didn't really understand how it would work for me. I was so wrapped up in keeping everyone else happy at this point I didn't stop to think about what I wanted, or how I deserved to be treated, or that I wasn't ok with the kind of feedback I was getting in relationships. Looking back now I can see what I was teaching others was that I was the kind of girl who would drop everything for them. I would put aside my thoughts and feelings and do what needed to be done to keep the peace. Everything looked great on the outside. People called me selfless and praised me for it (If you've grown up in the Christian church and you're a woman (particularly) you know that one of the highest praises you can get is being called selfless. For many reasons, I disagree strongly with that 'compliment')
I had no idea who I was because I was so busy pouring into everyone else. And not in the healthy, loving kind of way. In the way that made me sick and miserable and burnt out and made my entire world collapse every time someone left me or didn't respond correctly to the copious amounts of love and attention and stuff I was giving them.
I worked my ass off to make people stay. I allowed a lot of people to take parts of me they never should have been allowed to take. Sound familiar? Maybe this is you. If it is, no shame. I've been there too.
So fast forward a few years. I started learning about myself. I realized I had a self, and I became fiercely protective of her. This made a lot of people upset, and it took me a long time to realize that it was ok to make people upset. I didn't have to crawl into bed at the end of the night and wake up every morning with those people. But I did have to go to bed and wake up with myself. And I wanted to look in the mirror every day and see a whole person, a person who belongs to herself. I wanted to stop filling myself on other people's leftovers.
In the last year especially I have thought of that quote a lot of times. As people got upset with me as I moved into feeling more whole. As I left situations that were toxic. As I decided I don't have room in my life for relationships and situations and environments that aren't filled with love, where some people are in and some people are out.
But here's the difference between me now and the me of a few years ago. I don't make myself crazy to make people stay anymore. My worth, my identity, who I am as a woman isn't attached to any one person or family structure or spiritual expression or organization or title. They can stay in my life, or they can go. Who I am isn't dependent on that. But what I will not allow is to be mistreated, to have people in my life who participate in actions like gaslighting, where there is any kind of abuse, where my entire being and story and journey is not safe and valued, where I am pushed and pulled to fit other people's wants and desires in a way that isn't true to me. These are things I don't tolerate anymore, friends.
And maybe that's shocking for some people because I used to. But I know who I am now. I'm learning every day who I am and how I deserve to be treated.
This response is not out of anger. Its quite the opposite. Its out of love. I love myself now, and I need to take care of and love myself SO I can love other people. And I'm learning to not apologize for this. If you don't like it, there's the door.
The most revolutionary thing a woman can do is not apologize for herself. Because as women we are taught to be small, to be selfless, to fit into other people's narratives. We give and give and give and give and if you're anything like me you take whatever you can get, whether that's good or bad.
I'm done apologizing for who I am. I'm done giving up and being selfless so other people feel more comfortable. In all honesty I think everyone needs to get a little uncomfortable because a lot of our patterns aren't working for us anymore.
We can rise. We can change the narrative so this isn't the legacy we are passing on to our children - that they need to be selfless and small and let people mistreat them. But it starts with us.
It starts with you and me claiming our worthiness and teaching people how to treat us, deciding we are worth more than the crap we're being handed over and over again and demanding something more.
People can stay or they can go in my life. They can be upset with these new changes or they can support this change as I step into more of the woman I was always meant to be. But they cannot kill me. They cannot mistreat, diminish, insult or cover up who I am. I won't allow it anymore.
If you need someone to support you, cheer you on and encourage you as you start becoming more of the person you were meant to be, I'm your girl.
Together we can rise.
The quote was "You can stay or you can go but you cannot kill me. I won't allow it."
My friend then talked about how this quote related to how people were treating her in her life.
I've thought about this quote so many times since then, in different life situations and relationships. And these last few days its been on my mind again.
I want to tell you about codependent me. The me who, when someone was upset with her, would have scrambled and lost sleep and run herself ragged trying to figure out what the problem was and keep the peace and make people ok with her. The girl who invested so much of herself into relationships not because she loved people but because the relationships were a reflection on her.
I've done some serious work between then and now, and really the only thing that separates me and her is time.
Someone wise once told me that you teach people how to treat you. I didn't understand this when it was said to me. I thought it was a nice idea, but I didn't really understand how it would work for me. I was so wrapped up in keeping everyone else happy at this point I didn't stop to think about what I wanted, or how I deserved to be treated, or that I wasn't ok with the kind of feedback I was getting in relationships. Looking back now I can see what I was teaching others was that I was the kind of girl who would drop everything for them. I would put aside my thoughts and feelings and do what needed to be done to keep the peace. Everything looked great on the outside. People called me selfless and praised me for it (If you've grown up in the Christian church and you're a woman (particularly) you know that one of the highest praises you can get is being called selfless. For many reasons, I disagree strongly with that 'compliment')
I had no idea who I was because I was so busy pouring into everyone else. And not in the healthy, loving kind of way. In the way that made me sick and miserable and burnt out and made my entire world collapse every time someone left me or didn't respond correctly to the copious amounts of love and attention and stuff I was giving them.
I worked my ass off to make people stay. I allowed a lot of people to take parts of me they never should have been allowed to take. Sound familiar? Maybe this is you. If it is, no shame. I've been there too.
So fast forward a few years. I started learning about myself. I realized I had a self, and I became fiercely protective of her. This made a lot of people upset, and it took me a long time to realize that it was ok to make people upset. I didn't have to crawl into bed at the end of the night and wake up every morning with those people. But I did have to go to bed and wake up with myself. And I wanted to look in the mirror every day and see a whole person, a person who belongs to herself. I wanted to stop filling myself on other people's leftovers.
In the last year especially I have thought of that quote a lot of times. As people got upset with me as I moved into feeling more whole. As I left situations that were toxic. As I decided I don't have room in my life for relationships and situations and environments that aren't filled with love, where some people are in and some people are out.
But here's the difference between me now and the me of a few years ago. I don't make myself crazy to make people stay anymore. My worth, my identity, who I am as a woman isn't attached to any one person or family structure or spiritual expression or organization or title. They can stay in my life, or they can go. Who I am isn't dependent on that. But what I will not allow is to be mistreated, to have people in my life who participate in actions like gaslighting, where there is any kind of abuse, where my entire being and story and journey is not safe and valued, where I am pushed and pulled to fit other people's wants and desires in a way that isn't true to me. These are things I don't tolerate anymore, friends.
And maybe that's shocking for some people because I used to. But I know who I am now. I'm learning every day who I am and how I deserve to be treated.
This response is not out of anger. Its quite the opposite. Its out of love. I love myself now, and I need to take care of and love myself SO I can love other people. And I'm learning to not apologize for this. If you don't like it, there's the door.
The most revolutionary thing a woman can do is not apologize for herself. Because as women we are taught to be small, to be selfless, to fit into other people's narratives. We give and give and give and give and if you're anything like me you take whatever you can get, whether that's good or bad.
I'm done apologizing for who I am. I'm done giving up and being selfless so other people feel more comfortable. In all honesty I think everyone needs to get a little uncomfortable because a lot of our patterns aren't working for us anymore.
We can rise. We can change the narrative so this isn't the legacy we are passing on to our children - that they need to be selfless and small and let people mistreat them. But it starts with us.
It starts with you and me claiming our worthiness and teaching people how to treat us, deciding we are worth more than the crap we're being handed over and over again and demanding something more.
People can stay or they can go in my life. They can be upset with these new changes or they can support this change as I step into more of the woman I was always meant to be. But they cannot kill me. They cannot mistreat, diminish, insult or cover up who I am. I won't allow it anymore.
If you need someone to support you, cheer you on and encourage you as you start becoming more of the person you were meant to be, I'm your girl.
Together we can rise.
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